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Hitchhiker's Guide: Ford/Arthur slash [Aug. 1st, 2003|02:08 pm]
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[Current Mood |nervousnervous]

Title: Aliens Make Ford And Arthur Have Sex
Author: Me!
Rating: R
Betas: daegaer (who is responsible for the best line in here) and carmarthen - all mistakes, however, are mine.
With thanks: To my wonderful betas; to merka, who laughed in all the right places; to the anonymous livejournal fairy who gave me six months of paid time.
Disclaimer: Not mine. Douglas Adams gave these characters life - I'm just a hack who likes to play with them.
Warnings: Aliens make Ford and Arthur have sex. (See warnings policy)
Archive: Please ask.
Summary: Aliens make Ford and Arthur have sex.


That wholly remarkable book, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has this to say on the subject of the H'Lians: "The inhabitants of the planet H'Lss are a gentle, peace-loving species whose diplomatic skills are famed throughout the eastern spiral arm of the Galaxy for finding inventive and, above all, peaceful solutions to interplanetary feuds. Indeed, the only thing they love more than peace is a quiet night in with their extended family and a harmonica. Problems arose when vibrations from passing spaces ships began to disturb the subtle acoustics that go towards making a really good quiet night in, thus forcing the H'Lians to choose between their twin loves of peace and a nice sing song. This explains the race's possession of very big, very lethal and very, very quiet battle ships with which they protect their extended families' ability to enjoy another round of 'My Cousin's Cousin's Cousin's Granddaughter Has Fleas', a well-known and loved H'Lian folk song.

"Further problems arose when the H'Lian definition of 'passing spaceship' was expanded to include any moving object within 2 x 10^12 km of the planet H'Lss."


"Oh... Photon," Ford said, with what he regarded as considerable restraint under the circumstances. Indeed, the circumstances were such that any reasonable person - if you could find one nearby who was neither gibbering in fear nor shouting "We're all going to die!" - would agree that uttering a mere expletive showed considerable restraint. Unfortunately, under these circumstances, the criteria for reasonableness included a degree of gibbering in fear and/or shouting "We're all going to die!" so Ford's supposition must remain unconfirmed.

"We're all going to die!" gibbered Arthur, not unreasonably.

"I shouldn't let it bother you," Ford said vaguely.

"What? We're going to die and you wouldn't let it bother me?" Arthur's voice rose a full octave over the course of the sentence, a feat Ford, who'd never really got the hang of Earth music, failed to appreciate.

"Well, it could be worse," he said, even more vaguely.

"It could be worse?"

"They," he said, waving a hand in the general direction of the fleet of H'Lian battle cruisers circling their ship menacingly, "could torture us first." He paused. "Before killing us, that is."

Arthur considered this response for a moment, giving Ford time to execute a daring defensive maneuver that broke two laws of physics, three associated laws of mathematics and several intergalactic treaties. It had no effect, however, on the H'Lian battle cruisers. "I don't suppose," Arthur said, resigned despondency dripping from every syllable, "they'll have any tea on them?"

Ford, determinedly ignoring him, squinted at the display screens. "H'Lians?" he muttered to himself. Then he began to grin.


The editors of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, in their infinite wisdom, made certain subtle and wholly inconsequential cuts to the submitted entry on H'Lss, on the grounds that if their readers were interested in that aspect of space travel, they could look under the not insubstantial section of the Guide devoted entirely to that subject. Possibly the most important cut section, at least as far as Ford and Arthur are currently concerned, ran as follows:

"The pilots of H'Lian battle ships, deprived as they are of harmonicas and the company of their extended family for long periods of time, develop certain quirks. An active sex life, previously unknown to this asexually reproducing race, is one. A desire to share this new discovery with others is another. The longer the pilots have spent away from their home planet, the more like they are to become evangelical in their love of sex, to the extent that they believe their potential victims would surely keep the noise down if only they had a really good shag, first.

"When offered a choice between sex and death, the wise hitchhiker is advised to choose the former."


Arthur was taking the bold and decisive action of turning green. This was not, as it would have been were he a H'Lian, an expression of his immense pleasure at having had a particularly quiet evening. Instead, it was because he was feeling ill.

"What?" he asked eruditely.

"Condoms. Did you bring any?"

Arthur managed not to say something sarcastic, as it would almost certainly set the conversation back by five minutes they didn't have. "No."

"I shouldn't worry. I probably can't get you pregnant," Ford lied. His customary unnerving grin, which he had been wearing since he'd identified the battle fleet as H'Lian, remained firmly in place.

"Ford," said Arthur through resolutely gritted teeth. "What. Is. Going. On?"

"Here," Ford thrust the Guide into his hands, "read this entry on the H'Lians. That should explain it."

Arthur did so. Enlightenment failed to dawn and he told Ford as much. Ford, who had by this time abandoned all hope of outmaneuvering the H'Lians, muttered something about incapable simians that he declined to repeat and scanned through the entry in question.

"The bastards!"

"What?" asked Arthur, not for the last time.

"They edited - Oh, never mind. The H'Lians will probably let us live."

"Oh. Good." Arthur paused for a second of blissful relief before he acknowledged the suspicion lurking in the back of his mind. He took another second to recover from the enormity of the suspicion and a third to steel himself before voicing it. "What does this have to do with condoms?"

"They'll want to watch us having sex."

'What,' Arthur decided, was a good word. Short; to the point; capable of displaying a degree of urgency lacking in queries such as 'could you possibly be so kind as to elaborate on your previous statement?' He used it again. "What?"

"Look at it this way," said Ford, who had blinked twice since he'd identified the battle fleet, "you can't repress being dead."

Arthur's mouth opened and shut a few times of its own accord before he could force any words out. "But why us?"

"Who else?"

"Not us?"

"Who? Zaphod and Trillian are long gone, and do you really want to stick anything in Marvin you might not get out again?"

"No!" For a moment, the sheer horror of the suggestion overwhelmed both men. Arthur recovered first. "I mean, why any of us?"

With a long-suffering sigh, Ford explained.


The field researcher who submitted the original draft of the Guide's definitive entry on the H'Lians - one Ford Prefect, who at this point in the narrative was quite looking forward to the next half hour - omitted one important detail about the race in question on the utterly correct grounds that it would be edited out any way. That was this: they treat sex as a spectator sport.


After a while, Arthur found himself getting into the, as it were, swing of things. Ford's third and fourth nipples couldn't have been more strategically placed if evolution had gone looking for ideas in a number of very specialist magazines.

There had been some difficulty in deciding which of them would do what. Arthur had claimed terminal heterosexuality as grounds for being, as he put it on his third attempt to articulate his intentions, "the man" while Ford said he clearly shouldn't top if he didn't know what he was doing. Oh, Arthur had inquired, so you know what you're doing? which had led to a very heated debate that got considerably more heated when Ford turned to the audience of now impatient L'Hians and explained that this was foreplay. On reflection, it was unlikely that much, if any, of the increasingly hysterical handwaving he had used to illustrate his distress at the imminent loss of his masculinity had helped Arthur's cause.

It was at about that time Ford had kissed him. Ford kissed like he did everything: with a determined, enthusiastic and infuriating intensity that left Arthur aching to- Well, normally aching to hit him, but under these conditions he was prepared to adapt. He had kissed Ford back.

It is a testament to Arthur's bloody-mindedness that after a particularly stunning practical application of Ford's tongue - unbeknownst to the recipient, the oral equivalent of Ford's earlier daring defensive maneuver - he was still capable of coherent thought. It is a testament to his Englishness that this thought was 'I wish I'd remembered to - OH! GOD! - remove that bloody fish.'

Aside from the infinitive splitting exclamation, he was wishing this because the Babel fish in his aural tract was translating the appreciative murmurs of the audience into cries of "Oh, that's novel!" "I didn't know that was legal!" and, as he bit down on Ford's collarbone, his nails digging into the man's back leaving vivid red welts and Ford finally sinking into him, "Doesn't that hurt?"

He didn't, however, mind listening to Ford's rhythmic, breathless chant of "Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes..." which rose and fell in pitch and volume as their hips swayed to a complex and inaudible beat. Here, we see a drawback of the linguistic homogeny brought about the Babel fish. Ford was actually saying "yes" in each of the 493 languages he'd learnt over his years working for the Guide. He hadn't realised he was doing so.


The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has very little to say on the fine line between pleasure and pain, as curiously enough any Guide researcher given the brief tends to come back either missing several limbs or not at all. The current dedicated Guide employee working on the entry in question was last seen ten years ago somewhere in the Plural regions clutching his curiously stained towel in his one remaining tentacle and trying to hitch a lift to Eroticon 8.

If he ever files his report, it would give the interested (and green) L'Hian mentioned three paragraphs ago the answer of "Yes, but in a good way."


Ford watched Arthur sleep. After the long, deep post-coital kiss they had exchanged, he hadn't looked at Ford once. He had gone off to sort out the H'Lian's paperwork, mainly consisting of signing documents promising to keep the noise down in future, and when he came back Arthur was asleep.

He was still sleeping now, snoring resolutely but arhythmically, probably too embarrassed to wake up. Idly, Ford wondered what would happen when he did wake up. Declarations of eternal love were as unlikely as ever, which was a pity but hardly, if you'll pardon the expression, the end of the world. A smile and the suggestion that they do that again, this time without (or with, if Arthur was so inclined) the audience seemed even more unlikely. No, Ford was definitely in for either a weak smile and an enquiry about tea or a weak frown and an enquiry about tea, with the odds favouring the frown. Zarking Arthur Zarking Dent and his zarking- But before he could finish the thought, Arthur woke up.



"Is there," Arthur enquired tentatively, "any such race as the Huh Lyans?"

Ford's hearts sank. So that was how they were going to play this. "Shouldn't think so," he said, unnerving grin and unblinking eyes implacable.


Ford knew it was hope rather than empirical observation that made Arthur's expression look to him to be almost disappointed, but still he asked, "Why?"

"No reason."


After a silence as uncomfortable as any engineered by Marvin, Arthur spoke. "Did any tea appear on this space ship while I was asleep?"


"Certain primitive life forms," says The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, or at least it will say so when Ford Prefect gets round to filling his latest report, "attach extremely silly and counterproductive social and cultural mores to the simple, natural and often quite pleasant activity of sex.

"If you ever get the urge to become emotionally attached to a member of any of these races, don't. Instead, why not orbit H'Lss making loud noises and insulting the inhabitants' grandmothers? When the H'Lians take you apart molecule by molecule, starting with your reproductive organs and working up your pain threshold from there, you will still be having a far better time.

"If you absolutely must have sex with one, emotional attachment or not, make sure not to do it on a spaceship of which you are the only two inhabitants, thanks to an accident with an improbability drive and a depressed robot which somehow lost your semicousin, his girlfriend, but sadly not the robot. The avoidance alone is like Xarquardian water torture. Combine that with the occasional sideways glance when the bastard thinks you're not looking and the ridiculous - not to mention paranoid and baseless - belief that every casual remark you make is somehow an attempt to get into his grotty and quite frankly unappealing underwear, and you'll wish you'd kept your orifices to yourself, H'Lian ultimatum or no H'Lian ultimatum."


As well as the sidelong glances, avoidance and general jitteriness Arthur was displaying, he'd been thinking. Ford wouldn't know this for quite a while yet.

Unfortunately for Marvin, he would.

"It's not that I don't think he thinks I don't want to think about it," Arthur paused, unnecessarily, to give the robot a chance to keep up, "but I don't think he thinks I think he doesn't want to think about it. And even if he did and I do, he's a man."

"Yes, and you're a monkey, but you don't find us making personal remarks."

Arthur, as yet too caught up in his own worries to be offended, reflected that that's funny, that's what Ford said, too.

"So," intoned Marvin, "you think you've got it bad. At least you have reproductive organs."

Showing as much regard for Marvin's problems as the robot did for his, Arthur soldiered on. "But if he doesn't think I think - or at least, I think I think - of him like that, and he doesn't think of me like that, why did he rescue me?"

"I don't know," the robot remarked, "and I'm more intelligent than you can even begin to compute, so don't even try."

"Thanks. You're being a great help."

"Am I?"


Marvin didn't care. "You seemed perfectly happy when you were having sex. Not that I have any first hand experience of happiness. Or sex. But there you go, brain the size of a planet and what am I doing? Using 0.000001% of it to give you the best advice you'll ever get, which you'll only ignore anyway, that's what."

Arthur hadn't noticed any advice coming from Marvin, and said so.

"I can't find the logic in your argument against having more sex with him, therefore there is none. Then again, why bother? You'll only die. Your concerns have no intellectual merit, hold no interest to me and-" Marvin didn't bother to raise his voice to Arthur's rapidly retreating back, "- imply that you are socially stunted." He paused. "I'm not getting you down, am I?"


Arthur approached Ford in his sleeping quarters. "I'm sorry," he said, although he wasn't entirely sure he meant it.

"That's a good start," said Ford, who was absolutely sure he meant it. "For your behaviour recently or just for your existence in general?"

"No." Arthur took a deep breath he didn't need. "For this." With that, he stepped forward and kissed him.

Ford was not too surprised to kiss him back.

It turned out Arthur could find a use for that extra lungful of oxygen after all.


Any and all feedback gratefully received.

Sequel can be found here.
Commentary can be found here.

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[User Picture]From: daegaer
2003-08-01 08:21 am (UTC)

"For your behaviour recently or just for your existence in general?"

This is the sort of thing that shows Ford and Zaphod really are related :-)
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[User Picture]From: foreverdirt
2003-08-03 04:07 am (UTC)
*Grin* I'd just like to point out my restraint in not making any jokes about incest.
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From: capitalflash
2003-08-01 08:47 am (UTC)
Thank you for the belly chuckles. :)
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[User Picture]From: foreverdirt
2003-08-03 04:08 am (UTC)
Thank you for laughing.
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From: painispretty
2003-08-01 09:13 am (UTC)

And other exclaimations of "Did Douglas Adams write this?"

I like it, and I like them. Mmmm. Sex.
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[User Picture]From: foreverdirt
2003-08-03 04:09 am (UTC)
*Grins happily* You like! YAY! *Preens* Thank you!
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[User Picture]From: vongroovy
2003-08-01 09:16 am (UTC)

Reading that has been my favourite part of the day!

Fine, so I just got up, but still...it was fabulous and all that, and there really are few things I love more than good Ford/Arthur, and I'll probably think of it later, when I'm bored at work, and at the end of the day I just might look back and think, "Reading that story this morning was my favourite part of the day!"

Well, it might happen.
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[User Picture]From: foreverdirt
2003-08-03 04:11 am (UTC)
Heeh! (And I merited the banananananana daiquiri icon! That's the pinacle of any fanfic writing career!) I hope this wasn't your favourite part of the day, but I'm so glad you liked it.
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[User Picture]From: foreverdirt
2003-08-03 04:12 am (UTC)
*Dances* Thankee - is veryvery good that you like.
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From: drmutanto
2003-08-01 10:09 pm (UTC)

Katy is my god! *worships*

"I shouldn't worry. I probably can't get you pregnant," Ford lied.

I loved all of this, but dude. You have to write this now. Ford! Arthur! Baby! It would be so kewliez!11!!!1 OMG

(Aww, you took his cock out!)
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[User Picture]From: foreverdirt
2003-08-03 04:15 am (UTC)

Thank you!

Hey, dude, I wrote you Toby/seagulls (actually, quite a lot of Toby/seagulls... *shudders*), surely you can't demand Arthur!preg, too?

Although I do kind of have a bunny for it...

And now I'm just going to bounce around for a while, because you like my HHG fic. *Proud*
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[User Picture]From: odditycollector
2003-08-01 10:43 pm (UTC)
Oh, wow! This was great (and oh, yeah, still giggling).

I've do many Fave lines, I'd have to make a list... Um, all of the conversation with Marvin, and the ending, and the hhg quotes, and the beginning... You see my problem?

It's not that I don't think he thinks I don't want to think about it," Arthur paused, unnecessarily, to give the robot a chance to keep up, "but I don't think he thinks I think he doesn't want to think about it.

You know you're tired when that makes sense the first time through...
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[User Picture]From: foreverdirt
2003-08-03 04:17 am (UTC)
You see my problem?

Am very happy to have been so problematic. Thank you muchly (and get some sleep, dude).
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[User Picture]From: aeronq
2003-08-02 03:52 am (UTC)
That was seriously seriously good. very true to form, very researched. slightly confusing but that might be because I just got up and I'm tired and befuddled. Oh, and it had sex in it.

Poor Marvin...
"...Not that I have any first hand experience of happiness. Or sex. But there you go, brain the size of a planet and what am I doing? Using 0.000001% of it to give you the best advice you'll ever get, which you'll only ignore anyway, that's what."

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[User Picture]From: foreverdirt
2003-08-03 04:19 am (UTC)
It makes me unbelievably happy that you approve. Thank you.

(And poor Marvin. He really needs to have some mechanoid sex with Kryten. They can take turns with the groinal attachment, maybe?)
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[User Picture]From: tobiascharity
2003-08-02 04:39 pm (UTC)

If I were to quote every line in the story that I lurved lurved and lurved some more, I'd have to copy and paste the whole thing, and that's just...a lot of lines.

::loves some more::
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[User Picture]From: foreverdirt
2003-08-03 04:25 am (UTC)
*Grinblush* Thank you very much - it was a lot of fun to write, and I'm glad to know you found it as fun to read.
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From: phlebjorn
2003-08-03 08:38 am (UTC)

Sex or death? SEX OR DEEAAATH?

Eeehee! How kind and sweet life is! What a happy coincidence that when, for the first time in two months, I go and skim through LJs in a Bad Wrong And Frankly Pathetic way, there is SUPERHOTHITCHHIKER'SGUIDEMADSEXPORN! AIEEEE! I LURVE you!

I think that's scratched a long-term itch, actually. There's not much HHG fic, and there's even less with seeeeeeex, sweet sweet seeeeex, that makes my stomach all clench up in a good sexy sad hurty emotional sort of way. I think it was the collar-bone biting. And the yes-ing. You've made Ford/Arthur passion fit, which is always difficult with comedy characters, and it's unobtrusive and totally IC but ohsoright and they LURVE each other and, and, and BABIES!


And it was funny! "Look at it this way," said Ford, who had blinked twice since he'd idenified the battle fleet, "you can't repress being dead." And the whole paragraph about who gets to do what. Foreplay! Terminal heterosexuality! "The man"! Hee! And fish! And, yeah. It all just brought a great big smile to my face.

I'm sure there's something wrong about reading porn in ancient and wossname Xi'an, former capital of the Chinese empire, etcetera etcetara, but I'm not sure what. Anyway, sorry, just had to drop by and bother you, I couldn't let it go past uncommented. And mwah! And I hope you're okay! And stuff! Kiss kiss!

(and what's happened to afrai? Why's she turned into Dr MutantoGayfish? Not that I mind. Actually, I wish to marry her in her new incarnation and become Mrs MutantoGayFish! afrai, baby, if you see this then it's tantamount to giving your consent and is legally binding, okay? love,
Mrs MutantoGayFish.)
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[User Picture]From: foreverdirt
2003-08-03 12:51 pm (UTC)

Death! Er, I mean, sex!

You're still alive! Squee! And you like this! Squee! You picked out all my favourite bits (especially the yes-ing. I had to have me some alone-time when I thought of the yes-ing. Okay, so it was alone-time to giggle madly, rather than to do anything else, but yay! You mentioned the yes-ing!) and you thought it was funny and *joypride*!

Weird coincidence, because I was thinking of you yesterday. Well, thinking of Sir Humphrey/Jim. But also thinking of you. And I thought "I wonder if she's in Xi'an right now, the ancient and thingybob former capital of the Chine-" No, wait. I'm lying. But I was thinking of you, and it's good to know you're visiting cool places. And are alive. And happy and suchlike, I hope?

You probably won't get this for another few weeks (I am your sekrit stalker and know you will be back in England come September: MUHAHAHAHAHAA!) but if you do, have a good last month!

I'll email you about afrai, 'cos I'm not sure how V'ry, V'ry Sekrit it's all meant to be.


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[User Picture]From: carmarthen
2003-08-03 03:38 pm (UTC)
I love this fic with a mad, mad passion. Will definitely be reccing it, and skweeing at length.

"I didn't know that was legal!" and, as he bit down on Ford's collarbone, his nails digging into the man's back leaving vivid red welts and Ford finally sinking into him, "Doesn't that hurt?"

And I should have caught this before, but the grammar there makes my head hurt for reasons I can't quite explain. It might be perfectly correct, but I can't tell. Maybe not enough commas?
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[User Picture]From: foreverdirt
2003-08-04 04:34 am (UTC)
BWEE! That makes me muchly happy - thank you!

The grammar is off because when I read that sentence I mentally insert Ford's cock (*snigger*) and so don't notice the problems that occur without it. Will fix that - thank you v'ry much!
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[User Picture]From: mercuriosity
2003-08-06 12:08 am (UTC)
"I shouldn't worry. I probably can't get you pregnant," Ford lied.

Best. Line. Ever.

Although the first time, I read it as Ford saying, "I probably can't get pregnant," which is a bit different. Still the best line ever.

Anyway, I would leave detailed feedback and stuff, but I'm tired. So I'll just squee loudly and ask you to marry me. Eeeeeeee.
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[User Picture]From: foreverdirt
2003-08-06 03:43 am (UTC)
Thank you! I do love that line, and have a little glow of pleasure whenever it gets picked out. *Grins happily*

I will tactically ignore the next comment, because I don't want to spoil for The Sequel I'm Definitely Not Writing.

And I would marry you, but Good Omens doesn't do well with polygamy. You can be my Sekrit Mistress...? Thank you again - so glad you liked.
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[User Picture]From: trailsofkisses
2003-10-02 04:39 pm (UTC)
*grins and laughs hysterically* Great! *claps* I love Ford/Arthurness...and this was so much like Douglas Adam's work! Awesome job. I think my fave part was the "yes-ing" of Ford. Very nice, turn on. ^.^
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[User Picture]From: foreverdirt
2003-10-03 02:41 am (UTC)
Thank you! Ford/Arthurness is one of my favourite things, so I'm glad to have spread the joy!
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[User Picture]From: dryadwoman
2003-10-20 06:22 am (UTC)


Love it! I wish I could write like that!
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[User Picture]From: foreverdirt
2003-10-22 07:22 am (UTC)
Eee! Thank you, you're very kind! Just the sort of pick-me-up I needed after today's episode of changing a couple of words in my Wordfile and then closing without saving.
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From: louiselux
2004-01-06 11:18 am (UTC)
Ahahaha! Beautiful. It's so funny! You're so clever!
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[User Picture]From: gehayi
2004-01-06 11:30 am (UTC)
Now that makes sense. Both Ford and Arthur remain very much in character, the slash is completely believable--oh, and Marvin. Love Marvin. EXCELLENT job.
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